Can't Take It Back

Monday night I was in agony. Pure agony.

You see, normally I really enjoy my part time job at Miller Park. After all, chances are pretty good that if my lazy butt was at home, I'd probably just be sitting around watching the Crew anyhow. So why not spend some time at the old ball yard and earn an easy buck or two, right?

But sometimes I have to wonder if it's really worth it. You see, one of my jobs is to wish the fans well after the game. After all, if the Crew puts on a pathetic display of baseball, the Brewers front office expects me to do my part to make sure the fans' night wasn't a total crapper. So when they lose, I put on a smile and assure them that we'll get 'em next time. Even in a tough loss, the smile comes pretty easy.

But not Monday.

Not when the Cubs are in town, and especially not when those Cubs throttle my Brewers..

But yet I'm a professional. So as the drunken Cubs fans pass me at my desk and tell me how the Brewers suck, I hold back what I really want to say. And it tears me apart. Sure, I make little jokes about the standings, and how "we'll get ya tomorrow," but it doesn't suffice. I might as well be stretched out on the rack, poked with a cattle prod in my nether regions and forced to watch a month's worth of episodes of REGIS AND KELLY. It would be so much easier than having to put on that smile...

A lot has been made about the Brewers taking back Miller Park. The Brewers ticket office tried to encourage the purchase of Cubs tickets in 9 packs, radio stations planned marches, and their callers vowed to make life miserable for Cubs fans all series long.

Memo to Milwaukee--Cubs fans are not going away. There is no getting rid of them, so just be glad that the last Miller Park Cubs series of the '07 season wrapped up today. There is a big misnomer out there that all of these Cubs fans are making the trip up from Chicago, and to be sure, some of them are. But most of these fans are coming from right here in this state. They are Cheeseheads, my friends. Cubs-cheering Cheeseheads, and they walk amongst us.

They've actually been here since the Braves left town, but nobody noticed. When the Brewers arrived, it wasn't a conflict of interest for them to cheer for both teams. But when the Brewers joined the national league; they had a choice to make. And like so many Republicans, they chose incorrectly. Because they chose the Cubs.

And it shouldn't be surprising when they show up in droves to see their lovable losers--you see, we have 81 games to choose from; they have 6. And that's why the Brewers/Cubs rivalry has made the old Brewers/White Sox rivalry seem about as fierce as Screech versus Horshack in Celebrity boxing.

So look around you my friends because there are Cubs fans lurking. Like the old V tv series, at any moment, your neighbor, your co-worker, or God forbid, even your spouse might rip off their face and reveal their lizard-like Cubs exterior. Some of them will even try to trick you by saying that they do cheer for the Brewers, just as long as they're not playing the Cubs. But it's just a trap. So stand clear and be wary. But at the same time, you need to accept that they are not going away and that any idea of taking back Miller Park is pointless.

The ticket office can't take it back.
A radio station can't take it back.
And neither you nor I can take it back.

The only ones who can are the nine guys in the home uniform. (Yes, they still allow the Brewers to suit up as the home team.) Force a Carlos Zambrano meltdown and you've taken a step towards taking back Miller Park. Sweep a series and you're getting closer to taking back Miller Park. Beat the Cubbies so bad that their fans start to boo them, and you've definitely taken back Miller Park.

And then, when the game ends and it's time to don my best post-game smile, I can actually mean it...